


Distance (Of More Than Minds)

by CreepyLittleLullaby



Series: Langst (Voltron Legendary Defender) [7]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Child Abuse, Cuban Lance (Voltron), F/M, Homesick Lance (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Whump, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Langst, M/M, Multi, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pining Lance (Voltron), Polyamory, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Space Mom Allura (Voltron), Space Uncle Coran (Voltron), Touch Aversion, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 17:42:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11628597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreepyLittleLullaby/pseuds/CreepyLittleLullaby
Summary: Langst One-ShotLance wanted them happy, he really did. He loved them.It just hurt seeing them happy without him.Happy with something he could never give.





	Distance (Of More Than Minds)

Lance was so happy for them, he really was. Seeing them so together, becoming so happy after losing their families. Finding family and love in each other. He was really so happy for them. And he’d never wish anything bad or unpleasant on them. He loved them too much for that. It was just. Sometimes… it hurt a little bit. Seeing them so happy. Without him. But he understood that was just how it would be. He still craved the emotional bond and closeness, but the affection they showed. It wasn’t something Lance could give them. He couldn’t touch them like that. He couldn’t be touched at all by them. Training was even a struggle. Close combat. Being so close. Hands grabbing. It was terrifying, but necessary. Any bonding moments they had. Like Keith apparently holding Lance in his arms. He couldn’t remember. Didn’t remember. Lance knew that if he let someone touch him willingly, he was usually in a state where he was unable to stop it. Or trusting of the others for an injury. Usually, he tried to do the opposite of get closer. Leaning toward staying a step away. Still close, feeling their warmth and support from arm’s length was good enough for him. Lance even had trouble being touched back home, by his siblings. Even his own mother. It was a struggle, but they’d all adjusted. Two of his siblings, his barely younger brother and sister knew why he couldn’t do it anymore. They’d come from the same place. But, they’d come back stronger. Lance had come back. Altered. 

That was fine. It was fine. The memories that kept surfacing with Lance’s craving for love were hard to deal with. They hurt. But it was perfectly fine. They were happy, and that’s all Lance had ever wanted. They were healing and learning to grow close to people. It was nice to see happiness and love again after leaving Mumsy and Vanya. (Why he called his father Vanya, or even father was a mystery to him honestly. His ‘father’ was a woman after all. Yet, they had all started calling her father or Vanya, apparently a Russian nickname for Ivan because her last name was Ivanov, for some reason. Vanya never seemed to comment or mind) The two spouses had always been so affection. Vanya always showed her soft side to Mumsy. Nuzzling her, holding her. Letting the smaller English woman lean her full weight against her. His father was a true Ryadovoy. Soldier. That’s where Lance learned to shoot. Vanya would always take him out to the shooting range. From the moment he was under the two lovebird’s care. It was their bonding time. No words. No touches. But not everyone would be like that. Some people needed physical love and reassurance. And he couldn’t do that. Maybe holding someone’s hand. Or ruffling their hair was okay. But the thought of anything else almost made his mind and body shut down in panic. That wouldn’t change without a lot of time and therapy that he had no plans to put himself through.

He’d rather forget.

The happiness was still a very welcome sight. But, Lance soon found himself spending more time with Allura and Coran however. Tending to avoid the other’s. He didn’t want to taint their happiness with his own problems. Nor did he like when the nightmares and memories came creeping in like the vultures they were. Picking at the little pieces of him that were falling off and apart. Trying to tear off bigger parts of him to soothe their appetite. Lance wasn’t going to let them. They’d have to kill him, and if there was one thing Lance knew after all these years, was that nightmares. Memories. They can’t kill you. 

Even if sometimes it felt like they could. 

That didn’t mean they didn’t cause a mood slump or two.

Lance was in one of those self-deprecating and memory drowning moments as he hung out close to Allura. He’d be spending more time with her as of late. Coran was helping the other paladins with a healing program, so the princess was the one he was choosing to assist. She and him seemed to have fallen in a familiar and comforting routine. Even his flirting had a place in it. Allura finally seeing it as a familiar and more friendly way of complimenting her and interacting with her than inappropriate jokes as she had once thought. It honestly was almost endearing in its familiar warmth. She especially enjoyed when he spoke Spanish to her. Or when she quipped back to cause some playful banter. Either way, he was digressing from the beginning thought. Allura had been talking to him and noticed his distance, calling out to him and snapping him out of his suffocating thoughts. 

“Lance. Is something wrong? Is something bothering you?” Lance looked at the princess, eyebrows raised. She couldn’t have noticed, could she? No, he was probably just zoning out a lot and worrying her. He winked at him.

“Nope princess, I’m fit as a fiddle. Right as rain.” The woman tilted her head, inclining slightly closer to him. As if she were trying to peer into his soul with those large, glimmering, almost glowing eyes of hers. She blinked, long and slow, like an owl. It was tugging at him. Almost like it was reaching in and fighting against his best efforts to drag out the true feelings. It was evident on his face, the way his facial expression went from sure, to slowly conflicted, slowly opening underneath her prying gaze. Allura reached out for him, to stroke his hair and hopefully coax the words out from him more fully, but that was obviously the wrong thing to do as he flinched away and closed up again. Fleeing with a short, ‘see ya later princess, call me if you need me.’ No flirty comment or joke. Allura pulled back her outreached hand, curious. She’d ruffled the paladins’ hair so many times. Stroked it. She always had to Keith, Shiro, Pidge, and Hunk. It was what she did to show affection and appreciation. So why would he move away if she’d done it before?  
Well, she had thought she’d done it to Lance too, but, as she looked back. She couldn’t even remember a time when he hadn’t been an arm’s length away from her. And looking back, she couldn’t remember a time when someone had touched him in a friendly way besides training or being handled in injury. Half unconscious or in a catatonic state.

She pursed his lips in sifted through her memories. No, she had to be remembering wrong. Surely there was times when Lance had opened up to them. He was such a flirt, with him and Allura it was a friendly game. A joke for close friends. But he had to have flirted with others before too and gotten close. He was a handsome young man after all. He had to have attracted a suitor or two, no? 

But, really. She couldn’t think of a time when Lance wasn’t at the fringes of a group huddle, or at a party. In a large circle, chatting happily, joking and playing. Yet, not close enough for anyone to touch him. She’d watched him ruffle Pidge’s hair. Help Keith up off the floor. Pat Shiro’s back after a rough day in sympathy. Bump shoulders with Hunk. But, the times were far and few in between. And Allura could not remember a time where Lance had not initiated the contact. Or a time when Lance had been hugged. Allura frowned, eyes lighting up in determination.

Lance had to be touch-starved. Or lonely. She knew the other paladins had recently gotten together romantically. And it seemed Lance was fine with that, but disinterested in that kind of relationship. Which was fine. Maybe seeing the happy group made him feel a little lonely? That wouldn’t do. Lance was a wonderful boy, who shouldn’t be afraid to ask for a hug or comfort if he needed it. Allura immediately set down her work on the table and hopped off her chair to stand up and start walking in the direction where Lance was headed. She’d make sure he was okay and that he’d get all the love and affection he deserved and been neglected. She just couldn’t believe she hadn’t realized it sooner. He was so casual about the way he’d guided the topic away. Moved away. She knew Lance was insecure and doubtful about himself, and that could cause him to shy away from people unconsciously.

Well, no more. Allura’s expression hardened in determination as she searched the different rooms and asking around. None of the paladins were any help, barely responding to her question as if the paladin of her inquiring didn’t exist in their minds. Neither was Coran of any use as he hadn’t seen his favorite paladin since his project had begun. All it did was make Allura even more determined to find Lance and smother him in some well deserved affection and attentiveness. 

Luckily Allura had a few more allies than just the other humans and Altean on board. The mice had said they’d seen him, but were unsure of where he was in the moment. But Allura was plenty happy enough as she visited the hangar and saw Blue, who was more than happy to help as Allura explained her intentions. Blue using her connection to find what the lion called her ‘little star cub’. Allura thanked the lioness as Blue told her that Lance was in his room and hurried off. Grinning in delight as she saw the open door and a familiar mop of brown hair and tan skin within the room.

His back was to her. He was standing in his room and seemed to be fiddling with his bayard, distracted. Perfect for a surprise ambush. Allura smiled and stepped forward; immediately latching on and pressing herself against his back. Arms wrapped snuggly around his waist. She wasn’t expecting an immediate reaction, but she sure as hell hadn’t been expecting the blood curdling scream that left the blue paladin as he all but wrenched himself from her arms. Turning around in middle air and falling onto his bottom and hands. Crawling away and shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. Allura was surprised, shocked, and a little hurt, sure she’d surprised him most likely, but he hadn’t needed to react in such a way. Until she saw his eyes.

They were blown wide with fear, dilated and dazed, with a far away look in them.

It was evident that Lance was not here right now. He was somewhere else. And based on that scream, it was a very bad place. A place that a happy, cheerful boy like Lance should not be, ever. Allura immediately tried to mediate the situation. Reaching out her heads to grab Lance’s face, hoping to snap him out of the dissociative state. But it only made him worse, as he almost spasmed in her grasp. Struggling to breath and gasping for breath as tears began to roll down like small waterfalls, only small limited sounds leaving his mouth. All incoherent and becoming garbled as he struggled to breath in his panicked state. And Allura jerked her hands away. Obviously, this was not the way to go about comforting him. It was only making it so much worse to her displeasure and guilt. How do you calm down someone who is reacting negatively to you? Allura furrowed her eyebrows, before letting her instincts take over. She grabbed a blanket from his bed and wrapped it around his shoulders, being mindfully not to let her fingers linger for long, even though his hair was just begging to be stroked. (It looked so soft). Then, she just sat next to him and began humming any lullaby or slow song that came to her mind. To her delight, it seemed Lance was slowly calming down and growing more aware of his surroundings. Allura smiled nervously at him as he looked at her slowly, blinking and registering her presence in his room for what seemed to be the first time. He blinked again, before what happened dawned on him and he immediately looked away sheepishly, harshly rubbing away the remaining tears on his cheeks and eyes with his sleeve.

“I’m sorry.” Allura looked at him, surprised.

“For what? I surprised you at a bad time, then made it worse. I’m at fault here.” Lance shook his head.

“No, it’s on me. I react pretty bad to touch. I have touch aversion. I should have just told you instead or avoiding it. I’m sorry. Thanks, for, calming me down. And trying to make me feel better before this. It’s not you. It’s just me.” Allura, tilted her head.

“What’s touch aversion?” Lance frowned.

“I’m not really sure, they bounced the term around a lot when I was a kid after I was taken out of a bad situation. Basically, the whole thing is I don’t react well to physical touch. I can’t handle it. It makes me feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin and it just brings up some bad memories. I’m really sensitive to it too. Like, I can feel someone reaching out for me. Like a sixth sense. And it freaks me the hell out. Like, horror movie terror and impending doom.” Lance smiled wryly. “Frankly, I’m just a little bit more than a lot fucked up.” 

Allura frowned and shook her head. “No Lance, that is viable. It doesn’t change you just because you don’t like contact. People like different things. Are able to tolerate different things. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be able to touch someone. No one would mind if you told them… But, one thing of what you say, concerns me.” Lance smiled sadly, a small, bitter, huff of laughter.

“It’s okay, it was a really long time ago… but, I guess it’s only fair to explain it. Well, ah, god this is hard. I, was adopted, by my family. All my siblings were. Probably why we’re all weird, but hey, no judgement. Either way, me and two of my siblings met at this one home we lived in before we got adopted. I lived there for… I was six, and then eleven when I left… five years? God, it felt like longer. Well, the place… It. Wasn’t a good place. The people that ran the shelter, would, would…” Lance put a hand over his face, feeling fresh tears running down as he laughed. Hysterical, low, and venomous.

“God damn it, nearly seven years and this is still hard. God. Well um… they’d… let these men into the house. With the kids. And, sometimes, the kids would be singled out and put into a room with the… ‘guests’.” Allura’s stomach swooped and she felt extremely ill suddenly. It was horrifying to think about happening. It was even more terrifying to hear it fall from the lips of someone under her care. “If you were lucky, you could get the balance. Be good enough for them and you wouldn’t get punished, and be unsavory enough so the guest didn’t want to come back again, or worse. Buy you. Adopt or whatever I guess.” Lance laughed again. His eyes blank, distant as he stared at a random floor tile.

“I honestly preferred getting beaten and punished rather than giving those men what they wanted. But after a while. It gets hard to fight. Tiring. You just… you feel scared, and tired, and you just want it to either stop, or for you to die. Just. You want it to stop. Even if you have to die to get it to stop. You feel sick. Disgusting. You want to throw up even at the sight of yourself. The scars and hickeys and nail marks. You feel used, dirty, and…” Lance choked. “You’re so young that you don’t understand what you’re feeling or why you’re feeling it. You just feel scared and don’t know what to do. They say if you tell that you’ll get punished, you’ll get in trouble, or that they’ll kill you. But after a while. None of that’s even really that scary. I guess that’s why one of the older one’s told the police. Got everyone out of there and the people running that hell arrested. They weren’t afraid to die anymore. They just wanted it to stop. Whether they had to be killed or live to get it to stop.” Allura put a hand over her mouth. Lance was just staring, tears falling, but he didn’t even acknowledge the water running down his face. It hurt. Seeing one of her paladins hurt this bad. And she couldn’t protect him from the pain. Couldn’t change the past that obviously hunted him down for sick amusement. Her fingers twitched to stroke Lance’s hair, to try and comfort him. His dark blue eyes caught her inner struggle.

“It’s okay, I’ve calmed down. You can… just. Don’t pull too hard on my hair.” Allura smiled at the show of trust and took it with care. Carding her lithe fingers through his hair as gently as she could. Making sure to slow down and try a revise any movement or slight change that made him tense up. Never letting her nails scratch his scalp to roughly.

“Why haven’t you told anyone? Is this why you’ve been avoiding the other paladins as of lately?” Lance shrugged.

“I hate mentioning it. I always feel like they look at me different once they know. Look for the scars or try and test my boundaries. Some even say that I’m broken. That it’s not natural to not want to be touched. That I’m a freak for wanting love without sex or touch. I really do love them. Keith, Shiro, Pidge, Hunk, all of them. But. Seeing them together reminds me of what I can’t give them. What I don’t think I could ever have. I don’t want them to look at me like I’m a freak.” Lance buried his head further into his legs. “It’s hard, being like this. One bully even cut my hair. It was really long then, they always cut my hair when I lived in the shelter. I guess when I got free I associated them cutting my hair with their control over me, over my life. So, I never cut it once I was rescued with Sawney and Val. It was like my personal vow and passive aggressive revenge against them. It made me feel free. I used to keep it in a ponytail, and this guy, said if I looked like a bitch I would never get respect, that I’d always be treated like a used bitch. He cut off my ponytail. Didn’t even blink. Just said you’re welcome and walked away. I think I cried in that broom closet for three hours before my sister found me and coaxed me out of the closet. Pfft. The literal closet I mean. Uh, here. I have a picture in my wallet.” Lance sluggishly reached into his pocket as Allura internally growled. Those little shits. She had a personal vendetta for the person that put Lance through hell, and a minor revenge plot for the brat that hurt Lance on a deep level after the scars weren’t still healed. However her thoughts were directed back to comforting Lance when he handed her the picture.

It was Lance. A younger Lance, if Allura had to guess she’d say maybe fourteen years old. He was wearing a simple three quarter sleeved shirt and jeans. But he looked almost like those old samurais from the history books Shiro had shown her of his home country. His hair was long, in a high ponytail, it spilled like a water fall down his back, bangs fluttering and framing piercing blue eyes. They were eyes she wasn’t used to. Battle hardened, narrowed and unfeeling in not an unfriendly way, more of a neutral and blank way. With the barely visible underlying pain and vulnerability of fresh wounds. Two other humans were in the photo. She guessed it was the Sawney and Val he mentioned early. They were hanging onto him. The girl was wrapped around his farthest shoulder, and the boy was in the background. His siblings. Allura lifted her lips into a smile. She knew she’d need to deal with Lance’s wounds one day, and tell the other paladins of his pain so they could help him too, maybe even show him the compassion he needed. But, he’d had enough for today, so, she’d take some time to pry into his life that didn’t include the hells that haunted him. Pointing at the wild looking female in the foreground of the photo. With wild bright blue gradient hair and crazy eyes and a large grin that looked eerily like Lance’s own grin.

“Who’s that?” Lance peered closer, before giving a fond and easy smile. Already a vast and familiar improvement.

“That’s my sister Sawney. Her real name’s Shawna Nikolai. She’s fucking crazy. I really look up to her though. She’s the one that got me using finger funs and bad jokes. Flirting too. She was with me in that house. But, she came out okay luckily. She’s a mad genius too. Really smart. I honestly love her to death. She’s, probably the single reason I’m still alive and breathing if I’m honest.” Allura smiled, the way Lance talked about her, she could feel the love and fondness in his voice. It almost made Allura a little jealous not to have a bond like that. Not have family like that. She pointed to the next boy, he was the tallest, surprising as Lance himself was quite tall, though, it could be Lance was shorter back then too. The male had dark spikey hair and smooth cocoa colored skin with rich brown eyes. He seemed the most relaxed out of the three. His posture leaned back and his hand loosely holding onto a camera in one hand. 

“That, would be my brother Val, also known as Valkerike Van Vleet, to his displeasure. He hates that name. So, we just call him Val. Or Bean. Depends on how much of an ass you feel like being without actually digging into the whole given name pissing him off thing. He’s pretty much every Sawney isn’t. Calm, cool, collected. Patient. He’s definitely more like our father. He’d kick Pidge’s ass at chess no doubt in my mind.” Allura smiled.

“Do you have more pictures of your family?” Lance tilted his head and dug into his wallet.

“Uh, yeah, one sec. I have one with all of the main family. I don’t have any pictures of my Aunts and Uncles though… ah. Here.” Allura took the picture gratefully, handling it with careful hands and looking it over. They seemed to be at a beach. There was a small girl, with porcelain skin and dark hair sitting on the sand, a blue bucket in hand as she stared at the camera intently. It was endearing and made Allura chuckle a little, she could see a bit of Lance in the girl too. There were, three younger children she’d not seen before. One had on a frilly black bathing suit, two curly black pig tails and a wide toothed smile, a boy with pale blonde hair and a surfing suit on, and another girl with pastel pink hair and mismatching eyes. A soft smile on her face as she held a dark pink swimming tube around her waist. There were also two older females. Lance’s parents? 

“Where’s your father you mentioned?” Lance glanced at the picture and pointed to the tallest female.

“There. Don’t ask why we call one of my mothers, my father. We all call her some variation of dad or Ivanov. I call her Vanya. It… seems to work. Oh, and the woman next to her is my mother, Mumsy as we call her.” Allura nodded, gently tracing the two almost intertwined figures. Love was so apparent in their body language. The shortest female, Lance’s mother, was curled into the taller female, short curly blonde hair framing her round face and cherry pink cheeks. Her eyes were wide and doe like, smiling as she seemed to watch her children. The tallest female looked less dainty. More sturdy and definitely structured, without being bulky. She was lean, with pin straight caramel-blondish colored hair and gold piercing eyes that were solely fixed on the woman in her grasp. Tender love and adoration in her eyes.

It was so obvious where Lance got his loving and caring personality from.

“Vanya was a sniper in the military. I mean like, crazy good. They would send her on missions where she couldn’t tell anyone where she was or what she was doing. And she’d never missed a shot. Once. Not in all the times she’d shot with me. Teaching me how to shoot. I always wanted to be like her. She’s so strong. Everything I want to be. Mumsy was the opposite. She didn’t like fighting unless it was for one of us. Then that fucker was going down by her hands with a daisy and a bloody baseball bat. She made the best food too. She was like the perfect mom. I don’t think I could imagine anyone else raising me honestly.” Allura gave Lance a grin. They seemed like such a happy family. Allura smiled looking through the picture and nearly laughing as she found where the last three siblings were. There was a wild blue haired girl laughing and balancing on the rocks, with a dark skinned boy worrying on the ground beneath her. Lance was there too. His hair was just a bit shorter than in the other picture, even wet. He looked younger too. Maybe thirteen in this photo. He was looking up, his head tilted back as his body twisted, a small smile as he seemed to watch all the chaos. Allura’s mouth tilted in a half smile. Lance was such a handsome boy. But, something caught her attention. On his hips and the junctions of his shoulder. They looked like, scratch marks and teeth marks. White and pink, stark contrastingly different to Lance’s skin. Allura looked away from the photo and let her fingers different down. Lance was shaking, and trying to not flinch underneath her touch. Allura gently grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled it back over his shoulder, just an inch. The scars were almost the same, even with the time that had past. It was sickening. What humans were capable of doing. Lance slowly pulled away from the touch and Allura dropped her hand.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that happened to you. And I’m sorry that you don’t have your family with you. I know they love you so much. You love them too. And us here in the castle. We love you as well, so please don’t forget that. Okay?” Lance looked up to Allura with a smile.

“I won’t.” Allura smiled, before immediately changing the subject.

“You looked good with long hair.” Lance snorted.

“Yeah, yet, I really hope to god that in growing it out I’d never had a mullet. I’d never live it down. Can you imagine? Me with a mullet?” Allura shook her head.

“No. But Keith would probably have a field day with that.” Lance laughed.

“Him and Pidge both. Hunk’s the only one the really knows I used to have long hair. He came to my house for a holiday when his parent’s couldn’t afford to bring him home. I’m pretty sure Cassiedy scared the shit out of him with her terrible driving. But, what was probably worse was when we got home and Mumsy decided to show him all the picture albums she had. They had a lot of fun cooking and teasing us. Though, I think Vanya might’ve scared him a bit. She’s always been overprotective.” Allura could almost picture it. The happy family in the kitchen, cooking and laughing. It made her want to join the scene. The warmth and the life. Lance smiled with her.

“They’d really like you. They’d like everyone here. Though. I’m ninety percent sure Sawney would give Keith shit for having a mullet though. And probably would want to mess with Shiro’s arm… most likely while he’s asleep because she can be an asshole.” Allura laughed.

“Shiro probably wouldn’t mind, he let’s Pidge mess with it. As long as she didn’t break anything.” Lance smiled.

“I kinda hope so.” Allura watched with a soft smile as Lance’s eyes started to flutter before Allura convinced him to get on his bed. He passed out almost as soon as he hit the pillow making Allura sigh, pulling a blanket over his body more firmly and trying to shove what she’d heard to the back of her mind. But his scars kept coming to the front of her mind. Allura shook her head as she walked away. Still trapped in her thoughts until she bumped into someone, throwing her out of her thoughts immediately as she stepped back to keep her balance.

“Coran! I’m sorry, you surprised me.” Coran grabbed Allura’s shoulder to steady her further. He smiled at her.

“Oh no! My apologies princess! How did finding Lance go? Are you still looking for him?” Allura shook her head, a frown appearing on her face as her thoughts scattered against her will again.

“No, I found him. I just. I.” Allura bit her lip, stumped on what to do. On one hand, she wanted to respect Lance’s privacy. He’d only told her about his condition and his past because she’d almost caused him to have a panic attack. On the other hand, she didn’t know what to do and Coran was always the one who would help Allura make big decisions. Like if to tell the other paladins or not. That Lance did long for a relationship with the others, but didn’t want the physicality of it to Allura’s understanding. Rather the emotional side. With Lance’s past, it was understandable that physical affection probably wasn’t something he longed for. But, would telling the other paladins the truth be wrongful towards Lance? Or would it help Lance to heal and feel accepted? Make him feel loved? Or would he just feel angry that Allura betrayed his trust and confidence? And if she did tell, how much could she tell the other paladins without betraying Lance? Without revealing so much that the other paladins felt Lance didn’t trust them enough for him to tell them himself. She felt a firm grip on her arms break her train of thought.

“Allura, I know that look. You can trust me with anything. What’s bothering you?” Allura struggled for a moment, before sighing. Coran would find out either way. And he could help her if this got out of hand.

“Did, you know Lance has something called touch aversion?” Coran tilted his head at her.

“Of course I did, I didn’t know the technical name for it no, but I did pick up that Lance wasn’t very fond of being physically supported. Why?” Allura bit her lip.

“Lance isn’t. He. The reason why he doesn’t like being touched. Is because he was abused as a child.” Coran’s face paled, anger and devastation only growing worse as Allura continued her thought. “Physically and… sexually.” Allura’s nails dug into her palms as she gritted her teeth.

“I almost caused him to have a panic attack. I surprised him. And he didn’t even see me, looked right through me. He’s been suffering and I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice that he was lonely, but had no clue what to do. How to act. What to say. How can I call myself his friend, when I didn’t even know him?” Coran recovered as Allura continued to beat herself down, immediately coming to her aid.

“Allura, Lance’s past. Is not all he is. You know him. We all know him. He’s the boy with the large smile and the bad jokes. He tells exuberant stories about his siblings and his parents. He’s the one that brings us up when we’re done and makes everything seem a little less heavy, a little more fun. You know Lance. You just learned a little bit more today.” Allura looked up with a small smile.

“Yeah, he is quite the person, isn’t he? But, what do I do know? I can’t let a rift form in the paladin’s bond just because they don’t know he wants them too in a different way. But I also don’t want to betray his trust and tell them Lance’s private life. I. I don’t know what to do Coran.” Coran smiled at her, brushing back her bangs gently with his hand.

“Do what you do best. Guide the paladin’s towards the right path. You’ll know how to approach it when the time comes. Even if you have to give yourself a little push to do it. And maybe a little time. Encourage the paladins to spend some more time together maybe?” Coran smiled one last gentle time before walking away to leave Allura alone to collect her thoughts once again. Allura smiled. That sounded like the perfect plan.

In theory at least.

Turns out, as much as she loves her paladins. Four of them were the densest fucking idiots in the whole universe including Shiro. Though, Allura silently gave props to Hunk, who thought about the teammate they were neglecting and said as much. He only dropped the issue once the others dismissed it, saying he was still the same. Flirting and joking with everyone and everything.

Had they not noticed?

Had they not seen how Lance was caving in? Shying away from their touches or subtle shows of affection. Had they forgotten that his voice hadn’t been loud and joking in the longest time? Or the way he’d run from them as he saw them together? 

How did they not notice?

Allura didn’t press the issue then, but she almost wishes she had. But the paladins needed to work things out on their own. They needed to see and fix their wrongs without Allura guiding them every step of the way. Lance needed Allura right now, not them. He needed her help, so they would have to wait and learn to socialize without her.

Though that turned out to be a bit of a problem.

Lance was smiling gently as he walked through the halls, a small basket of laundry was in his hands as he hummed quietly. He’d been helping Coran and Allura with more of the chores as of lately. And he hadn’t really minded. Allura had told Coran about what had transpired in Lance’s room. But honestly, it had been for the better. Both of them now gave him the verbal reassurances he needed, and the space that helped him relax. Besides, Lance knew that if Allura was going to tell anyone it would be Coran. They shared everything together. And that was perfectly fine. It meant they were close. Just like they were getting closer with him. He still couldn’t let Coran touch him, the rough and battle callused hands were too familiar burning on his skin. But Allura was slowly becoming a fond and familiar touch. She smelled sweet and she was gentle with her small hands. It was… nice.

Reaching out, Lance pushed through the door to one of the main lounges and froze at the sight before him. It was nothing really weird Lance guessed. He should’ve expected to see it happen once or twice. Him walking in on an intimate moment between the four of them. But it still surprised him. Made his blood freeze.

They always made him ‘team up’ with his best friends like that. Two or three terrified kids facing a few adults. The feeling of hot rough hands with blunt nails and a bruising grip was always on his mind. It was like a phantom touch. Long gone, but still there. Painfully. Still. There.

His stomach turned as they finally caught sight of him, he felt like a deer in headlight as his fight or flight responses kicked in. And with experiences and pain like that. Fight wasn’t an option. He couldn’t fight the onslaught of emotions and memories. The physical pain that even thinking about them brought. So he did the cowardly option and turned tail. Sprinting away. Dropping the basket like it was molten lava and getting the hell out of the room before he could be sick.

The paladins in the room stared, mildly hurt before scoffing. God, they got that polyamory was a little unknown on earth, but if anyone were to understand and respect it they thought it would surely be Lance. But all he did was avoid them like it disgusted him. Which hurt a little. Pidge knew really well that Keith and Shiro especially were still pining after the Blue paladin, hoping to change his mind. Persuade him to join them.

Though, hard to persuade a man that practically crawled away tail between his legs after every training session. 

Allura entered the room shortly after Lance had sprinted away with a loud bang of the laundry basket falling to the floor. She looked around quickly, “Is, everything alright in here?” Pidge scoffed.

“It was fine. Until Lance accidently walked in on us and ran like hell out of here. Does us being happy really bother him that much? He’s a prick.” Allura was taken aback at the anger in Pidge’s voice. But stayed quiet as Shiro chimed it.

“Does this really bother him that much? Maybe he grew up somewhere where this isn’t seen as okay?” Pidge frowned.

“C’mon. He flirts with everything that moves. The only credit I’m giving him, that he isn’t saying anything against it with that big mouth of his.” Allura snapped. Her ears were red and flushed in anger as her eyes glared.

“Enough! Be quiet all of you for once! Shut up and listen to me!” Allura got their attention in a split second as they watched in terrified awe at her burst of anger. It was physically moving her as she took in deep breaths, face red with fury.

“How would you feel if you couldn’t be touched by people you cared about huh? How would you feel if you spent five years in a foster home that physically and sexually abused you!? Huh?! That’s how Lance feels! He can’t handle even someone holding his hand without going almost into a panic attack! He wants you all to be happy, but he can’t see you being physically affectionate easily. Watching you guys do things that he’ll never be able to do. Things he’d love to be a part of but can’t! It has to hurt, yet you all are going and hurting him worse! Talking like that!” Allura took a deep breath, she was almost shaking from the adrenaline running through her body. But she needed to wrap this up. Lance needed her right now.

“I love you all, you’re my paladins after all. But right now, I don’t see paladins. I see self-absorbed assholes that need to open their eyes to the feelings of others sometimes.” Allura cut off her speech there. Moving past the abandoned laundry basket and down the hall to where Lance’s room was. The other paladins stopped dead in their tracks. Pidge was the first to speak.

“She… can’t be serious can she? I’ve hugged Lance right? Hunk, he was your best friend, you can’t tell me that you’ve never grabbed him and hugged him, right?” Hunk registered her words and slowly thought back. To all the times he’d reach out to Lance, and Lance would fluidly avoid the movement, or would find something to distract Hunk. He’d never hugged his best friend.

“No… he’s always changed the subject. I’ve tried to. I guess. I never really thought of it. I just assumed I had because Lance never mentioned otherwise.” Shiro frowned in thought.

“But Keith, didn’t you hold him during your bonding moment?” Keith nodded.

“Yeah, but he forgot about it after he got out of the healing pod, and he was pretty out of it while I was holding him. I probably could’ve told him he was the president and he would have believed me.” Shiro thought back himself. He’d never patted Lance on the back like the rest of the paladins, he was always too far away from him. And even the times Shiro had tried to grab Lance to talk with him he’d been too far. Just past Shiro’s reach. Pidge squawked.

“You’re telling me, that we’ve gone years pining after someone with touch aversion from sexual abuse and we never fucking noticed? That shit has to be obvious, yet we couldn’t even tell?” Keith frowned.

“Five years. God. I was only in homes for maybe months at a time, and never a home that sounded that bad. Five years?!” Shiro clenched his fist.

“I want to kill whoever hurt him.” Keith tensed up next to Shiro.

“I’ll be your accomplice. Pidge, be our alibi. Hunk. You’re helping us too.” Hunk gave a nod. Pidge however raised her hands in a wait gesture.

“Wait, before you get your pitchforks out, we’re far away from earth. Even then, Lance probably wouldn’t be happy with that. He probably would be happy never seeing the place again. And shouldn’t we be worrying about how to help him first, avenge him next?” The other three paladins paused in their plotting. Before Shiro nodded in agreement.

“Lance first, homicide last. But, how do we fix something like this? Not even fix, how do we approach a topic like this? He didn’t tell us. Allura did. After all these years he trusted Allura more than us to tell his past too. Why would he be okay with us prying and trying to help him?” Pidge interjected again.

“Maybe we start by asking why he was freaked seeing us making out? There has to be an explanation for why he’d react so badly to seeing us like that. Think about it, he’s seen us hugging and holding hands and only teased us for being PDA. He’s never reacted like that before.” Shiro nodded silently.

“But if we all go he’d probably be overwhelmed. How are we going to pick-“ Keith was first.

“I’ll go. I’m his ‘rival’ aren’t I? If he gets frustrated or upset I can take him for a couple rounds in the sparring room. Also, I know those kinds of places. I haven’t been in a place like Lance’s but I’ve seen kids from places like that. And I’ve seen my share of bad foster homes. I can get it a little better than you guys probably can.” It was tense and silent, but they all agreed after a moment. It was true. Keith was the only one who was experienced and knew things like this. The rest of them had been blissfully ignorant of the foster care system.

“Alright, just, be gentle, we probably shook him up pretty bad.” Keith gave a small smile to Shiro bumping his shoulder affectionately.

“Got it Space Dad.” And he walked away, leaving three worried paladins behind with a killed mood, concern, and probably if he knew them as well as he thought he knew Lance, a fuck ton of guilt and anxiety. Probably over thinking every action. Reading every memory.

But God why didn’t Lance tell them?

Keith knew what it was like to be mistreated. The nightmares that constantly wake you up. The feeling of that hand swiping down to hit you. That one little phrase that’s so achingly familiar that you can’t help but freeze up and bit you lip from how hard it was getting to breathe. Like the memories were crowding your lungs. 

But with Keith it was only pain. Lance was violated. For years. On an emotional, physical, mental level. God knows how he felt anymore. If Keith was a jumble of unreadable emotions and memories, what was Lance like? What grounded him to reality? 

Who helped him when the nightmare got too real?

No one, that’s who. 

That’s the real tragedy here. 

They never, fucking, knew.

Keith immediately knew where Lance was, whether it was his abnormally good hearing or the little mice in front of his door. Looking back and forth as if confused as to where they should go. By the sight of Allura walking away, head hung low, he was guessing the mice were confused in who to confront. Lance locked behind the door or Allura walking away, unable to help. Keith helped them with the decision by shooing them along to go to Allura. She was the only one they really understood what their gestures meant anyway. So, they scurried off and left Keith alone to stare at a firmly shut door.

Taking a deep breath, Keith clenched a fist and knocked gently and quietly. Before speaking softly through the door. “Hey Lance. It’s me. Just Keith. I need to talk to you about something. Can you let me in?” 

Lance had already been weak to helping those he cared about. Lending a hand or an ear at every opportunity. But he was even more weak to Keith especially. Keith was one of the paladins that never reached out when he wanted or needed to. Preferring to curl in on himself like a defensive mechanism. Lance bit his lip, he was on some unsteady ground. The edge for a flashback or a panic attack was almost so real he could feel his lung stuttering from their cycle of breathing. But…

He had to.

He loved them.

Loved him.

All of them.

If they needed to talk. He’d listen.

The door sliding open nearly five seconds after he asked was a little bit of a surprise to Keith. But it also wasn’t. Keith knew how much Lance cared. Almost too much sometimes. It was a good quality yeah, but Keith was growing to hate it too. Because it meant that Lance supported everyone’s weight. Yet, never even hinted or asked about some helping him handle his own. 

Lance, looked a little bit like the fresh side of hell. His hands were twitching at his side, arms wrapped around his stomach as his shoulders hunched a little. Trying to make himself look as small as possible. Keith had seen the position from so many kids at all of his homes before. How hadn’t he noticed? Why didn’t he see Lance? Yet, Lance was also unique from those kids. Because he was smiling. Warm and comfortingly as he stepped aside to let Keith in. Keith took the silent invitation gratefully, scooting in, careful not to brush up against Lance in any way until he knew it was okay as he looked around the room. 

He’d never been in the blue paladin’s room, but he was pleasantly surprised with how homey it was. There were papers and random pictures and drawings cluttering the desk, as well as little trinkets from each planet or mission they’d been on scattered around the room. Like little moments. The thing that caught Keith’s attention the most were the little lion plushies on the bed four at the foot of the bed and one at the top of the bed. Resting on the pillow covered with a small blanket next to a needle and thread. The hand sewn stuffed animals were so, cute. And well made. Keith almost felt a draw to the red one. Lance smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry about the clutter. I was cleaning my room. You can just move things a little for a seat if you’d like to. Um, but what did you need?” Keith took a seat on the bed, near the foot of it, while Lance settled on his pillow as a seat. His one hand fiddled with the blue lion plush as he smiled.

“I know what happened to you. Allura basically gave us a verbal beating as soon as you left. You have a hell of a princess rooting for you.” Keith watched the flicker of emotion in his eyes. Knowing each one now that he knew what to look for. Resignation. Fear. Anxiety. Yet, there wasn’t any betrayal. Instead only a small smile.

“She’s a pretty cool, isn’t she?” Keith smiled too.

“She is. But right now, can we focus on the elephant in the room?” Keith kept his words gentle. Approachable. Lance could refuse, but Keith was trying his best to make him feel safe. Like he could talk about it. Lance let out a sigh.

“Yeah. It’s alright. I don’t try and hide it. I just don’t like mentioning it when I don’t have to. What do you want to know?” Keith took a breath.

“I know what being in bad houses is like. Allura only told us a little and its worse than anything I ever had to see. And I want to make you feel safe. But I need to… can you…?” Lance chuckled.

“You’re rambling Keith. I’m still Lance Mullet-brain.” Keith’s eyes widened in surprise, before he gave a gruff smile with a chuff. 

“Get off your high horse cargo pilot. What bothered you about seeing us just now? You ran like some set the ground beneath your feet on fire.” Lance grimaced and Keith knew he was in for an unpleasant trip down memory lane. 

“Sorry about that, it’s a little rough. It wasn’t you guys! Well. Kinda. It’s hard to explain. Um, well. I see you guys as my friends. And seeing stuff like that without warning reminded me of sometimes when the ‘guests’ were in the home that they’d force some of the kids there to ‘team up’.” Lance let out a bitter chuckle. “If you walked in on something by accident, you were forced to join. I always learned to just sit in my room with my two siblings after a while. Sometimes they just went looking for you though. Nowhere was safe I guess. I’m sorry for acting like that. It just really freaked me out.” 

Lance looked sheepish, looking down at his feet with one hand behind his head. A tight hold on his hair. Keith kept his voice light and gentle as he addressed Lance. But God, how his anger bubbled up angrily. Anger that was raw and furious. He wanted to kill the bastards that did this to Lance. Made Lance so uncomfortable in his own skin. The ones that made him feel like he’d never be safe in a place where he should be. 

“That’s alright, I’m sorry we didn’t know. It’s okay.” Lance smiled at him again, his eyes were blurry with unshed tears and Keith’s anger waded into just sadness. Lance’s smile wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know.” Keith gave a small smile back to Lance.

“Do you feel up to joining the others with me?” Lance looked up in slight confusion. It was a valid offer. But Lance couldn’t help but feel there was an underlining meaning to it. Lance smiled. Either way. He loved his team. He’d trust them with his life.

“Sure. Let’s go?” Keith smiled and quietly reached up. Lance staying steady and letting the other wipe off his cheeks. The feel of leather being more welcome than the touch of callused phantom hands in the past.

“Let’s go.”


End file.
